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Unlocking Emotional Intimacy: How to Improve Communication in Your Marriage

emotional intimacy

Have you ever felt like your husband’s thoughts and emotions are like a car on a frosty morning, taking their sweet time to start up? Do you find yourself on a quest for that elusive key to unlock the door to a deeper emotional connection? Even though we know that communication is the obvious missing ingredient, we still can’t find a way to crack the code. Oftentimes, the harder we try, the worse it gets.

Worry not! I might have your answer. If so, this is going to be the most important information you’ve ever read about your husband and his inner workings.


What You MUST Understand Is That Your Husband Is an Internal Processor

 The reason your husband might not be communicating effectively isn’t because he’s hiding something from you. It’s more about him not fully understanding his own feelings yet because he’s an internal processor. Have you ever noticed that when you try to get him to talk, and he stays quiet, you start talking more in an effort to encourage him? Well, in a way, that might unintentionally interrupt his thought process.

It’s kind of like your husband’s brain is a computer with its own processor. Some people have fast processors (like high-speed internet), while others have slower ones (think dial-up).internal-processor

Imagine your husband’s mind as having multiple tabs open, just like in a web browser.
It takes a moment for each tab (thought or emotion) to load. Sometimes, right when a tab is about to load, impatience sets in (similar to how you might feel when your husband’s processing seems slow), and you switch to another tab. Then, you open more tabs, and the cycle continues. The slow processing speed can be frustrating as you desperately search for a tab that will load.

Now, with so many tabs open, the computer (your husband’s brain) can become overwhelmed and slow down, or even shut down altogether. This might lead you to wonder why he’s shutting you out or why he seems emotionally unavailable. You might question why he won’t open up to you. This scenario is pretty common, but once you realize what’s happening, you can learn to approach it differently.


Practical Tips for Helping Your Husband Open Up:

  • Awareness is Key: Simply understanding that your husband isn’t damaged goods, emotionally unavailable and that he isn’t intentionally shutting you out can make all the difference in the world. This awareness shifts your perspective from frustration to empathy.
  • Avoid “Warming Up the Car”: Much like trying to speed up the computer’s loading process by opening more tabs, attempting to “warm up” your husband’s emotions can backfire. Give him space to process without added pressure. Remind yourself that what you seek in terms of emotional intimacy will come if you give it time. Be patient and resist the urge to rush the process.
  • Respect His Unique Communication Style: Every person has their own way of expressing themselves. Just as you have your own style of communication, your husband has his. Respect and acknowledge these differences without judgment.
  • Ask One Question at a Time: Instead of bombarding him with questions, ask one at a time and then give him the time to respond. Embrace the silence and visualize a loading symbol while he gathers his thoughts.external-processor
  • Listen Actively When He Does Open Up: When your husband does decide to communicate, make sure you’re an active and empathetic listener. Give him your full attention, show understanding, and avoid interrupting or offering immediate solutions unless he explicitly asks for your input.
  • Resist the Urge to Fill the Silence: Often, when your husband is quiet, that’s a sign that’s he’s processing. If you’re an external processor, you’ll be tempted to keep the
    conversation going by talking more. This opens another “tab” and your well-intentioned effort inadvertently stifles the emotions he’s trying to articulate.
  • Give Him Space to Process Emotions: Some people just need space and solitude to process their emotions. Don’t interpret his need for alone time as rejection. It may be his way of sorting through his feelings before sharing them with you.
  • Past Experiences May Play a Role: Sometimes, past experiences or traumas can affect a person’s ability to communicate openly. Your husband’s upbringing, previous relationships, or even previous arguments he’s had with you, may influence his communication style. Be sensitive to his history and build trust with his nervous system.
  • Open Communication Works Both Ways: While you’re working on understanding your husband’s communication struggles, encourage him to reciprocate. Let him know that you’re also willing to listen and create a safe space for him to express his thoughts and feelings.
  • See Him Through Love and Capability: Rather than viewing your husband as broken or frustrating, see him for his strengths and capabilities. Remember the qualities that drew you to him in the first place.


Remember, communication is a two-way street in any relationship. By acknowledging your husband’s unique communication style, respecting his needs, and offering your support, you can foster a more open and loving connection.

Understanding and supporting your husband’s communication style can significantly enhance your relationship. By realizing that he may need time to process emotions and by applying patience, you can create an environment where he feels safe to open up. Remember that your love and support can help him navigate the complexities of his emotions, leading to a deeper emotional connection and a more fulfilling partnership. So, embrace the journey of communication with your husband, and together, you can build a stronger, more intimate relationship.


Navigating communication barriers in couples can be challenging. Knot Counseling’s expert marriage counselors provide valuable guidance and support to help you break through. Call today for a free consultation and let’s get back on track.


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