It can be frustrating when you’re struggling with your relationship but your husband refuses to get help. When you’re trying to figure out how to get your husband to go to marriage counseling, first consider the reasons why he’s hesitant. Try to really understand where he’s coming from and see if you talk through his concerns.
Your partner may be reluctant to go to therapy because:
- The cost. Therapy is expensive and it’s easy to think you can just figure it out on your own. TRY: Explain to your partner that the way you know how to solve your problems isn’t working and you feel like you both need some more tools. You can also explain that your disconnection is more costly than therapy.
- Therapy is dirty word. Though accepting therapy as part of everyday life has come a long way, it’s still stigmatized for many people. A lot of people think couples counseling is embarrassing only for people that are getting divorced. TRY: You can tell your partner that couples counseling is for couples in a stages of their relationship. You want to be proactive, and not reactive. You can remind them of all the people you know that have tried couples therapy in the past.
- They don’t think it will work. Whether it’s been a rough road, or you’ve just hit some bumps, it’s hard to understand how marriage therapy will help if you’ve never experienced it.TRY: Most couples counselors offer a free consultation to explain what their approach is AND to make sure you feel comfortable working with them. Take advantage of this and make sure to include your reluctant partner on the call.
Don’t get me wrong, it can be tricky to figure out how to get your husband to go to marriage counseling and sometimes it may be more helpful to write it out, then to talk about.
Here’s a sample letter to help you talk to your husband about your intentions. Feel free to use this exact letter, or tailor it to fit your situation.
Use this letter to encourage your husband to go to marriage counseling
I’m worried about the direction of our relationship. Lately, I just haven’t been feeling that connected with you and I worry that we’re growing apart. It seems like when we try to talk about our problems, things only get worse. I think we’re both feeling stuck and it seems like we’re both starting to build some walls.
My hope is that we can go to couples therapy together so that we can work through some of these things that we can’t seem to resolve on our own. I know you’ve been hesitant about couples counseling in the past, so I wanted to share some things that might help you feel more comfortable.
I know the topic of couples counseling may sound like we’re doomed, or on our way to separating. I don’t see it that way. Counseling can also be used as a preventative service. I want our relationship to work and just want tools that will help us to do that. I see this as a way to commit to each other and make it a priority to be closer.
I know you might also be hesitant to “air our dirty laundry” out in front of a stranger. I want you to know that I’ve been doing my research, and there are a lot of good couples therapists in our area. I think we can talk to them about this and see if there’s a way to keep some things private. I’m happy to respect you on that front. I’m also open to making sure we find someone to work with that we both feel comfortable with.
I also wonder if you’re worried that the couples counselor will take sides…or that maybe I’m looking for this person to take sides with me. I’m committed to doing my own work and I know that’s the only way we’ll get stronger. I’m ready to take accountability for any damage or hurt I’ve caused you.
I just want you to know that I have no hidden agenda. I love you and want to make you, and our relationship, a priority. I’d love it if you’d explore this with me.
I hope this helps.
Knot Counseling in Lakewood, Colorado specializes in couples counseling and marriage therapy and would be happy to help you figure out how to get your husband to go to marriage counseling. We do offer free consultations and would be happy to talk to you about our approach.
Not in Colorado? Learn how to find a good therapist.