It’s easy to fall in love with someone new, but what about when that spark goes out and you find yourself just going through the motions? It’s hard to admit when this happens, but before you throw in the towel, consider these 3 ingredients to help you fall back in love. After all, you fell in love once, so you can do it again.

Here’s how to fall back in love with your spouse—the simple way!

Step #1: Be Interested In Your Partner

There was a time when you used to be interested in your partner. You were curious about them. You wanted to know more. You asked questions to get to know each other. You couldn’t get enough.

When you were first getting to know your partner, you wanted to know about their hobbies. Their friends and family. Their hopes and dreams. You want to know things that were hidden beneath the surface.

And as you did this, you not only created an attachment to them, but they created an attachment to you. They started to like how they felt when they were around you.  You were into them and that made them feel alive, respected, and…interesting. The bond formed.

If you want to fall back in love with your partner, be interested in them again. And not just at a surface level either. The best way to really get to know your partner again is by asking them questions and listening carefully to their answers (and making sure they feel heard!). If you want your relationship to grow, pay attention!

Start asking them open-ended questions about their childhood, their college days, and even their favorite hobbies. You can also ask them what they wish they’d known when they were younger, or what fears they’re currently facing. Asking good questions goes a long way in helping you connect with your partner on a deeper level and learn more about who they are. Show genuine curiosity.

You can even ask follow-up questions about why they made certain choices. But let them know how much their thoughts interest you! It will definitely make it easier to fall back in love with your partner when they know how important they are to you.

Don’t forget to listen carefully! When you hear your partner talking about something that’s important to them, it’s an instant bonding experience; we feel closer because our commonality is suddenly clear. New conversations are sparked.

If you do this enough, you’ll may start to notice your partner reciprocating because they appreciate how much time you spent listening to what they have to say. This goes a long way towards showing how much effort your willing to put into making things work—and towards falling back in love!

Step #2: Be Interesting To Your Partner

When you first met, your partner was drawn to you. You had hobbies, ideas, and stories to tell. You were interesting and that was attractive. Your partner gravitated towards you and enjoyed spending time together.

Over time, you might have lost that. You might have lost yourself in your kids, or you work. You don’t know what makes you happy. You have nothing to talk about. There’s boredom-and disappointment.

Your partner is most attracted to you when you’re passionate. If you’ve lost your interests, start setting some new goals. Take a class that interests you. Volunteer to do something you think will make a difference to others. Make sure there are things and people in your life who bring you joy…and who are interesting themselves.

Your goal doesn’t have to be ambitious or life-changing; what matters is that it shows you’re not just lazing around and waiting for your partner to come home and make you happy.

Healthy relationships don’t make you happy, they make you happier. Remember that an attractive relationship draws its lifeblood from how happy both partners are with their own lives, so if you want your partner to fall back in love with you, it helps to make sure that’s what happens on both sides.

Be true to yourself, develop a life independent of each other, and then come together with a clear mind-set that says yes to each other as friends or lovers rather than I need him or her.

Step #3: Have Shared Interests

When you first fell in love, you may have had a hard time keeping up with all of the dreams you shared with your partner. But after a while, life starts to get in the way and those dreams that initially drew you together, now feel like a farfetched fantasy.

If you want to fall back in love, look for ways to reconnect over similar interests. You’ll need things to be excited about. You’ll need things to talk about and dream about together.

What activities do you both enjoy? Going on walks or hikes? Reading books together? Planning your next vacation? You just need to find something interesting and then share it with each other. It doesn’t matter if your partner was never interested in something before…they’ve grown and might’ve changed. Try new things or revisit old things and you’ll grow closer together over time.

Remember, one of our most basic needs as human beings is connection, and when we feel connected, our brains reward us with oxytocin—the bonding hormone. By following these 3 steps, you’ll strengthen your connection and be more likely to fall back in love.

Struggling with your relationship?

Knot Counseling LOVES all things relationship. We specialize in helping couples put that spark back into their relationship. Learn more about couples therapy.